"I forgive you...but..."

(It's complicated!)

I’m so grateful for my old mentor, Fr. Bill Mehrkens. He was the one who first alerted me, in a homily during my college days, that forgiving someone doesn’t mean being okay with the offense.

I’m not sure how we get that idea, but it’s widespread—so much so that many will withhold forgiveness, not understanding exactly what it is.

How can someone forgive their abuser? That seems inconceivable, right? And yes, it would be so, if not for what Jesus taught us about forgiveness. “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

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And yet, even with those words to guide us, it still seems scandalous to forgive those who have hurt us. Does God actually expect us to roll over like a front-door welcome mat and let our offenders into our hearts?

Thankfully, no. But I think it’s psychologically complicated. Spiritually, it’s not so much. I think we can get what Jesus was doing there. But our human psyches are what complicate the matter.

So what did Fr. Bill say to help me through this dilemma all those years back? He helped me see that in refusing forgiveness for one who has hurt us, we actually keep ourselves bound. Forgiveness doesn’t give them a free pass to hurt us again. Forgiveness—true forgiveness—releases them into the Father’s hands, and lets HIM take care of their souls. He’s the only one who can anyway. Forgiveness allows us to not let our hurt keep us captive. It brings freedom to us.

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Reconciliation? That’s a whole other matter entirely. That involves action from both parties and is more circular. Forgiveness does not require the cooperation of the offender; it is solely in our and God’s hands.

Of course, it takes belief in God to do forgiveness in the way that will be truly freeing for our souls. Once again, Jesus shows us the way. He spoke the words I quoted above to the Father, who made heaven and earth. He made the appeal to the One who is above all, and in all, to manage the problem.

When we forgive, we are handing over everything to God—the hurt, the injustice, the way the insult or action has ravaged our lives—and walking into the freedom of a heart that is more detached from the effects of those actions.

I say “more detached,” because as a human being, becoming completely detached might be next to impossible—certainly without God’s grace. I think it’s possible for God to come in with a thorough cleansing, but again, the human psyche is a complicated thing, and we need to know that, even after we have handed it all over, there might be days when we falter, and need to return to God for help.

This lesson that I learned decades ago continues to inform me, because every time I receive an offense, I need to return to what Fr. Bill said, and remember that in forgiving someone, I am freed. Their hold on me is either lessened greatly or diminished altogether.

This freedom is efficacious. It allows us to then move forward and live in charity. We are no longer plagued by the wrongdoing. It’s God’s thing now, and he can handle it. What a beautiful thing that he offers us this freedom, if we should choose to accept it.

I had it on my heart to write about this today because there are people in my life I need to forgive… the abortion escorts who have mocked me, the person who was harrassing me recently because of a column I wrote, and others in my life who have been unkind in some way.

To those mentioned, and more, I forgive you. BUT, I don’t give you permission to continue the acts that offended or ravaged.

How do we do this, though, for real? Partly, I think, through humility—recognizing our own sins. And asking forgiveness for the hurts we’ve caused others, because surely, we have.

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In today’s Magnificat, the daily meditation by Servant of God Catherine de Hueck Doherty offers some guidance in her words: “One of the greatest prayers is the prayer of forgiveness.” She notes that, if during a daily examination of conscience, you realize that you have held back forgiveness to someone, “Make sure you do so the next day.”

“A sin is a sin, and like a grain of sand in my shoe, it rubs,” she said. “Every moment is the moment of beginning again.”

Let us be renewed through making an appeal to God this day; to seek forgiveness for the wrongs we’ve done, and forgive others who have wronged us, placing all of this in his capable hands and in his merciful heart.

When did you find it almost impossible to forgive, yet found yourself freed in doing so?